Can’t say no because you feel sorry for the other person?

There ‘s a Swiss German song on the hit parade in Switzerland at the moment about a guy who wants to break up with his girlfriend but doesn’t have the heart to tell her. He thinks she might die of a broken heart…..eventually he decides its easier to just stay in the relationship.

It’s not that he feels empathy for her. In fact, quite the opposite. He wishes she were dead. He even has a hole already dug in his garden in case she actually does die. Instead he stays in the relationship to avoid the discomfort he would feel if he were to be honest with his feelings.

Do you do things for others at your own expense because you feel bad saying no?
Or because you can feel the other’s pain louder than your own?
doing things for others at your own expense because you feel bad saying no.

This is what this looks like: a fork off the heartline.
The line dips sharply downward and then crosses over the headline into the Mars zone.
D forks are found on all heart line types, not just romantic idealist types.

If you have this marker on your hands this call will help you understand the dynamics of what’s going on so that you can make conscious choices instead of putting your life on hold simply to avoid discomfort.

We’ll be discussing this marker and other similar but slightly different markers in the forthcoming call with Richard Unger on 18 November 2010. Topic Can’t say no.
Get the replay here.

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11 thoughts on “Can’t say no because you feel sorry for the other person?

  1. jnewston Reply

    It’s hard to say no to those we love. And it’s hard to say Yes to those we love. Love is such a complicated emotion.

  2. jill Reply

    Well sincerely if you dont want to do it you can say directly no without feeling sorry or any kind of regrets, its your decision you must be firm.

  3. heartsatori Reply

    Yes Jena,
    I have a less extreme version of this marker and I recall numerous times I could not see my way out of a relationship because I could not bear to hurt them. It is a lack of ability to identify what your boundaries, and or needs are… and being so empathetic you relate to their pain and get trapped by it.

    • Jena Griffiths Post authorReply

      “…being so empathetic you relate to their pain and get trapped by it.”
      According to Unger this marker is not about empathy but more about discomfort avoidance. It might start off as empathy but actually it’s a kind of ‘disempathy’ with oneself and avoidance of one’s own life lesson.
      Richard’s classic example for this is the man who dances with the wallflower at the party because it is less painful for him to do so than to watch her pain of feeling rejected. The extreme version is he ends up marrying her. Knowing you have this marker enables you to make more conscious choices.
      To understand this more clearly I’ll post an exerpt from the call.

  4. sandra Edwards Reply

    Hi Jena. I am enjoying your Earthschool and having this contact with Richard. Thank you.
    About the marker – guess I would have called that a mars mate selector because it does go into mars. Thinking that D fork is not so directed toward mars. Wondering the difference between those two markers.

    • Jena Griffiths Post authorReply

      Thanks for this comment Sandra.
      I’ve checked this print with Richard and he agrees this is a D Fork.

      For Mars mate selectors: the forking of the heartline happens earlier under ring or middle finger.
      My way of thinking of this: Mate selectors look like a fork in a river, whereas D-forks look like a waterfall with the energy running away. The dip down is more sudden.

  5. Kiran Katawa Reply

    Hi Jena,
    I had some confusion about Mars mate selector. The last comment answered it. Thank you.
    It indicates that the person is interested in having a life partner with Mars like qualitites. Right?

    • Jena Griffiths Post authorReply

      Yes, they’re attracted to “fighters” or Mars types. But rather than marry this type they need to own this quality in themselves.

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